The Top Five Things I Hate About Australia


5) Australiana

From Crocodile Dundee all the way to the Crocodile Hunter, I hate the image of Australia we project to the world. I’m hard pressed to think of another country whose culture is so dictated by its board of Tourism. It’s their fault when people from overseas ask me if I ride a kangaroo to work.


4) TV ads for beer

There are only two types of ads for Australian beer. It’s either big strong men with big strong thirsts or a strange, inscrutable dreamscape. The big strong men are usually standing in a circle around something manly in a slightly ironic way, while the inscrutable dreamscapes are just totally bat shit crazy. At the end of the ad a deep voice very quickly tells you to drink responsibly, or until Jimbo picks a fight with Davo, or every vacuum cleaner in your apartment complex comes to life.


3) Tall poppy syndrome

We hate successful people. But only under certain conditions. Like if they move to America. Or just somehow remain happy. Of course if you’re a successful sporting star and you’re urinating all over a bar top, doing blow with seventeen year old girls or are involved in allegations of sexual assault—we’ll play devils advocate over jugs of Vic Bitter until the pub closes.

2) Casual racism

I’ve heard more than one Australian say, “I just don’t like Asians,” as if it’s just a matter of personal taste. Just dismissing 60 percent of the world population like they’re a particular flavour of bagged potato chip: “I just don’t care for hickory smoked barbeque. And anyone of Asian descent.” It just does my head in. Especially because everyone I’ve ever heard say this has a close personal friend who is Asian. And when asked about this the casual racist will utter that totally moronic answer, “Oh, Quan? He’s one of the good ones.”


1) Full-on racism

Australia is putting people in camps. There is no joke here. For us, history won’t say that the common Australian citizen was caught up in the machinations of a brutal dictatorship. History will say our government committed human rights violations because they polled well.